my emotions...

So I don't journal. I wish I could, but I have NEVER ever had the discipline to stick to it. (example, check out my blogging dates.) I don't feel like wasting $2-4 on a journal that I will write in one day and then lose it. So I find myself doing the one thing I swore I would never use a blog for....my emotions.

I am so out of sorts lately I don't even know where to begin. I have this image in my head of the person I want to be, and I cant seem to get there no matter how hard I try. I feel like I am in limbo. I am living at my parents house, raising children that arent my own, and all the while I watch as life floats by. Dont get me wrong. I really dont have a big of problem as maybe I should have living at my parents, I just want a place to call mine. A place I can decorate. paint. make my own. Not happening anytime soon. I am so broke it isnt funny. Which is the other thing. I am not for a second saying I have a problem with my job. I LOVE the boys, and I am so happy to spend each and every day with them. It is amazing watching the subtle changes that take place in their lives each day. Its hard spending so much time with them lately. Having them take up so much of my heart, and my life, when I am going to be out of theirs in just a few months. I am finished in August/September. So here I have poured myself into these WONDERFUL chidren, taught them things, encouraged them, watched them grow, loved them, and been loved in return, and soon my job ends and I am just out of their lives. I become the lady in the pictures they look at years from now and ask their parents who I am. Cole will remember me, Jack will probably have a vague memory of me, but I am so afraid Henry wont know me. He is who I spend my days with, day in and day out. bluh! hidden fears.

My car broke down a few days ago. It will be too expensive to fix it. Thank God for mallory and boo. I am driving their volvo for this week, and it is such a huge blessing. But I still don't know what I am going to do. I just want to SCREAM every time I think about it.

I have been talking to Jake so much lately about what I am doing in my life. what I should be doing. What I want to do. everything. He is really an amazing person to talk to. He has a simplistic way of making even the most complicated situations in my mind no big deal. He wants me to go back to Norway with him. Everyone I talk to wants me to go. The scary thing is, I think I want to go.

But I am not like Jake. To go off to a land I have never been to. To leave everyone I know and love behind. To leave my life here, and start a new one there....I dont know how to do it. I am so scared to do anything, and I don't know what happened to me. I have never been this person. I am a Hanna for goodness sakes. We thrive on new situations. new people. new everything...

Jake explained to me how whatever I do I will be blessed. I just have to DO something. God doesnt have a "right" path and a "wrong" path. Life isnt this or that. He lays out thousands of different paths and says, "pick one...aNYONE and lets see what we can do with this" It isnt like he is trying to trick me, (which I admit is the image I constantly have coming to mind) I just have to do something. and God has all these blessings he wants to shower down on me, I just have to move. He wont push. He wont insist. But he is standing beside me going, "you ready to go?" I dont know why that explanation hit me so hard. It isnt new news to me...but it got me thinking. I told Jake how fearful I am. That I have no clue what to do in my life, and with everything unknown there is a fear along with it. "That isnt from God" Its okay to be unsure, to not know the future. to be uncertain what to do...but to put even the SMALLEST amount of faith in God and make that leap....he will take care of the rest. If I choose something and it isnt the right thing for me...God will let me know. He will shut the door...but he will also use that to show me what I am supposed to do. Jake...you are amazing. God has blessed me with a brother who is a man of God and who is there for me when I need him most. I love you.

So I just have to do something. I have all these things in my head that i want for myself, and I dont know how to get them. I dont know what to do still. So I need prayer.

I want so badly to have a place of my own.
I want a house that I can decorate, that I can make my own. That explains who I am. I know I am only 23 but this is a huge desire of mine. I found a lamp today that I didnt buy. I have wanted a lamp like this for years. I carried it around with me all through the store before I accepted I have no place to put that nor will I anytime soon. I am still living out of boxes. I feel in limbo.

I want to meet people. I asked Tasha why we seemed so unhappy lately. she couldnt asnwer...I asked her...when was the last time you met someone and made a new friend. we both decided it had been over 2 years. Sure I have met people. I have even talked to some more than once. but I havent met anyone new, a new friend in years. I want to meet a man. I know that sounds stupid. It makes me mad just to write it. But i do. i long for companionship. I havent had a relationship in oh gosh...YEARS....I wont count...its too sad. But i long for a relationship. someone to love me. to complete me. someone to get excited when I see them, someone I dress up for in hopes of running into them. someone who makes me forget where I am at.

I spend so much time during the day on the internet looking at pictures of things I want. not clothes. not stores. just pictures of peoples lives and things that I want for my own life. I know I am young, but I want a life. I am not asking for the picket fence. the two dogs. the kids, and the parent teacher meetings. I mean, yes I want all of that...but I just want something more solid that what I have now. I dont want to go to college. I dont want to live in a dorm, I dont want to live under some one elses rules. I want to make my own rules. be my own person. so its hard to imagine going away to norway when in the back of my head i feel i will just come back afterwards in the same place i am in now.

do you see how confusing it is in my own mind? i truly dont know what i want. i go back and forth on EVERYTHING. I am stuck. I see no way out. I am lonely. but without hurting the feelings of everyone i know, i am most lonely when i am with people. I cant find happiness in anything or anyone.

I want so much more...and yet I have no more things to write. my heart is full still and I have only just begun to pour out whats inside.

thank you for listening.

I am watching jon and kate plus 8 season premiere....its breaking my heart.

why do they do this?

last night was the pilot and I loved it. I have formed a new obsession already. I then read online today that the show wont truly start until fall.....WHY???