dear buster,

what if i never get to say "i love you" again? i know you know it, but what if i dont get to say it again?? the last time i saw you i gave you a quick hug and made some vague comment about coming to have lunch with you two soon. that was three and a half months ago. since then your world has been turned upside down.

cancer. no matter when you hear it. how you hear it, it always sounds like a death sentence. its that taboo word we all dismiss as "it could never happen to me." it has seemed so surreal to me. I mean i have been so distant to the whole situation. and i am sorry to admitt this has made me really angry.

i think i understand it now. or at least i understand that you did it to protect us. mom suggested i take my card to you before you headed to the hospital. just to drop it off at the house and yet i was too scared to do it. i have known you my whole life. you are my grandpa. my buster brown. my sunnybud. you always make me laugh with your donald duck voice and when you wiggle your ears.

i find myself using your old jokes with the kids. i'll squeeze their knees and watch them giggle as i "adjust" their knees. "too tight this one." "too loose." I love the smell of beer caps. I am instantly transported to the backseat of your van listening to wee sing and shaking our homemade instruments from beer caps and sand paper. or if i fell and scraped my knee, your van had more bandaids in it. sometimes i will see a pink shirt and will say to myself. "its not pink, its salmon" pretending to fly a plane everytime we got in the van. fighting over who got to ride shotgun and be the co-captain and use the CB radio.

I have loved you my whole life and I was terrified to call you. to ask you if i could drop off my card. I was even more afraid to see you. I have this vision in my head of the buster i know. and to see you all frail with your broken nose and bruised face. i was terrified i would break down. I want you to know I can be strong. I am strong. I am your Calidonia. fearless. brave.

Do you know what a great grandpa you are? Do you know how lucky i am to have had you as my grandpa. You have taught me so much in life.

Tomorrow is your surgery. I know you will be fine. I know i am just freaking out the night before because thats what i do. I know that this surgery scares you. it scares grandma. and mom, i know how hard this all is for her. We are all praying for you Buster. You are going to be okay. This is going to get better. I know you have been in agony for three solid months. I hope you have peace soon enough.

I love you Buster. I know you know it.

love,
Calidonia